journal entries

 #1 thinking. thinking. thinking. I’ve seen old and brittle bones come to life and jump up to dance. I’ve seen girls stand with one another and say “I’ve been there too.” I have seen what feels like the most unbreakable chains fall like paper beside my newly freed sisters. I’ve seen my brothers invite in strangers and treat them like family. I’ve seen worship in the rawest form. screaming. crying. laughing. silence. on your knees. dancing around. running in circles. lying down in complete surrender. I’ve seen the sick healed and food multiplied. I’ve seen redemption in the purest form. I’ve seen what it looks like for the body of Christ to live in the fullness of Jesus. I’ve seen what it looks like to live out of a place of abundant love from the Father. I’ve seen mess up after mess up and I’ve made mistake after mistake and each and every time I’m met with the overwhelming and undeserved grace poured out on me by our sweet Savior. I’ve tasted and I’ve seen and I’m never going back. 

#2 Although I haven’t read through the whole bible in Thailand, I’ve tried to be in the word in some way every day. I feel like You have really walked out with me how to fight lies with the truth that scripture has. But it doesn’t just feel like empty words anymore, it truly feels like the words You have written and spoken over me since the beginning of time are rooted in me and my identity in You. It’s almost like a tattoo for all to see and for the enemy to fear. 

#3 The Lord delights in those who hope in His love. Plain and simple. To just sit and rest and hope in His love is enough. You don’t ask anything more of me, Jesus. Thank you. 

#4 My life sometimes feels like a never ending goodbye to all the people I love. But the people I love are not mine to hold onto, they are the Lords so He gets to decide when it’s time to say goodbye. Something I learned in Swaziland is that it is such a blessing to fall in love with people and places but it is only that way because the Lords hand was so clearly over our time in Swazi & Asia and now His hand will be over our time in Nicaragua. It will be time to fall in love and pour out onto new people and places. I hate when people say “it’s not goodbye, it’s see you later”. A lot a the time it really might be goodbye for me here on this earth. I don’t know when or if the Lord will bring me back to these places I so dearly love. I do love to think about the days in heaven when there will be no more goodbyes and everyone from all around the world that I love will be in heaven together. That will be the sweetest day. 

#5 I was reading an old facebook post of mine the other day and I was talking about being hungry for You. I never want to be “full” in a sense that I think I don’t need more of You, Jesus. I want to be hungry for more. Hungry for people to know You. Hungry to praise You. I never want to forget that I NEED You to live just like I need food. If I shove down my souls hunger for you then slowly I will start to die. But if I welcome in the hunger and only eat from Your table then I will grow and become stronger because I am filling myself with the bread of life. 

#6 Lauren and Kate gave me a listening prayer a while back and Jesus said to them for me “her fragrance is sweet when her offerings burn”. Fires only burn what you put into fuel it. If Im burning off of worldly things or pride or bitterness, the Lord won’t even recognize the smell as me because that is not how I was created. But when I burn out of love and grace and burn in awe of Jesus, He smells my fragrance and is like “ that’s my girl. that’s my daughter. that’s my beloved. that is how I intended her to burn.” He knows me simply by the sweet fragrance of me burning for Him. 

#7 I don’t know just one word to sum this up but these 2 months in Thailand have taught me what getting my strength from the Lord actually looks and feels like. Thailand should have been the most restless and exhausting 2 months of the race but instead I’ve had more energy and rest here than the last 4 months. Even on days when I wake up and just want to roll back over I’m fueled by something not of myself but of Jesus. I get up not because I have to but because the Lord is waiting to fill me up and to show me more of Him and to do life with me. The other day Jesus brought me to a scripture that always makes me smile, “This is the day that the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!” Jesus makes each and everyday another 24 hours to be in holy communion with Him and to be loved by Him. That alone should make me always eager for tomorrow.